Thoughts and dreams

A slow release of tension

When I was at the doctor’s this week, we also talked about what’s gone wrong with the hopes, plans and rehab of the past. I’ve been able to get in good shape physically and control the pain with exercise more than once, but every time I’ve gone back to work and it all fell apart again. For each time, I’ve become more ill.

The doctor reminded me now that this time I’m not going back to work. Work is not possible. The past 10 years have shown that. The goal now is for me to have as normal of a life as I can.

I didn’t think much about it during the conversation, but in the days after I’ve felt a slow release of tension. I think that in the back of my mind I was still thinking “maybe I’ll be able to work”. Like I’ve thought every time through the past 10 years. It feels like the doctor just removed that option, and that gave way to other hopes. Like “maybe I’ll be able to keep my dog, get back to weight training, do stuff I like to do, and not be stuck in bed 80% of the time”.

The pain and fatigue has been the same as usual since the doctor’s appointment, but I’ve still managed to do things I wouldn’t normally do. I used the snowblower to clean the courtyard on Thursday (is was literally full of snow) and asked my friend/assistant to join me for a walk with the dog yesterday. It might not sound much, but to me it was two instances of physically activity that I haven’t done for ages. It felt great!