Spending spoons

2 things that made me happy in April

April was a high pain, high fatigue month, but there are good things to remember.


Much to my surprise, one of my fosters had kittens under my bed. Watching them grow from teeny, tiny babies to playful rascals is just awesome!

Lakris at 3 weeks old. (Photo: Lexidh Solstad)

Rehoming Tigern

One of my cats, Tigern, needed a home of his own. I found him the perfect place: a small farm farther south in Norway. I get updates, and I know he loves having a whole farm and family to himself. I miss him, but I know he’s a lot happier now.


Thoughts and dreams

Monday morning thoughts

It’s been a tough weekend, and I’m happy to see it finished. Nothing happened, I was just exhausted and in bed most of the time. I don’t cope well with being stuck in bed, which is something I try to work on. It’s inevitable with the level of fatigue I experience, and it doesn’t help that I get upset.

Actually, it’s been a tough few weeks, and I think I’ve reached my limit. It started off with three of my fosters running away the very same day they got here. Since then, two of them have been caught, but the last one is just too clever. I feel bad that they got out of the catio, and I feel bad for the scared little guy who’s now all alone in unfamiliar environment.

Add to that, I had to go to the A & E in the middle of the night a couple of days after the runaways made their break for freedom. I still don’t know what is wrong, but my doctor has started to investigate. Something is wrong with my intestines though. I’ve got new meds that help with the nausea at least.

On top of this, I had decided to find my dog a new home. I finally realized I won’t ever be in good enough shape to give her what she needs. I put an ad online, and found her the perfect home. She moved to her new family on Thursday. Now, I’m really happy about her new home, but I’m heartbroken. For one, I love her and miss her. Also, I’ve had dogs for the past 30 years. It feels like a (another) big chunk of my identity was taken from me when I gave up Yuki.

It’s a sunny morning and I have kittens running around in the living room. My mum is doing my grocery shopping, and I can rest today, too. I hope I’ll feel well enough to sit on the veranda and catch a few rays of sun. I just want to get in touch with myself again. Find the parts of my identity that are still there.

Chronic illness

Lessons from my constant companion fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is a strict teacher. You adapt or you crash. It took me quite a long time to adapt. (I’m still adapting, to be honest.) I kept fighting and fighting, trying to will the pain and fatigue away. That obviously didn’t work. It might very well be the reason I’ve gotten even worse over the years. In fact, I got so ill that I had no other choice than to learn from my experiences.

These are my top 3 hard earned lessons.

1. Accept help

This has been a hard, but rewarding lesson. I used to feel like I had to manage everything on my own, and that asking for help was a sign of weakness and dependency. Fibromyalgia has taught me that accepting help is paramount. Without help I wouldn’t be able to live my day to day life. My family and friends have always been there for me, and now I also get the help I need in the home from the local health services.

2. Have patience

Oh, man, this is difficult! I want things to happen NOW, but with fibromyalgia it’s always one step forward, two steps back. Especially when it comes to exercise, which I love and miss a lot. I have learned to appreciate the things I can do when I can do them, and try not to expect¬† or even hope for the progress that healthy people get. Progress will come, but so painstakingly slow.

3. Never give up

There have been a few times over the years that I wanted to give up. There’s also a moment almost every morning when I wake up to the same pain, and I wonder if it’s all worth it. But then I think of my son who’s the light of my life. And the cats meet me when I go to the kitchen. Maybe the sun even shines. There’s always a reason to go on. Better days will come.

There are other lessons. So many lessons. Every day I learn something new, or am reminded of something I learned over the years. I think it’s a helpful exercise to think about what is gained, even though the loss can feel overwhelming.

I’ve lost the ability to work, but I’ve gained the ability to foster cats in need.

I’ve lost some friends, but I’ve gained new ones.

I’ve lost the person I was before, but I’ve become someone older, wiser and more relaxed.

It can be exhausting trying to look for the silver lining all the time, though. Sometimes you just have to mourn. 

Thanks to Lee at Fibro Blogger Directory for prompting a post about what we’ve learnt from living with fibromyalgia.